My sheets look like a crime scene.
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
