Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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