A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Sober January is a disaster.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
