he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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