I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
