I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
What drink are we having for lunch?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
