you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
