He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
