And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Sext me about skeletons
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
