I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
