i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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