From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
