I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
