did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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