I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
sarcasm needs its own font
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
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