I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
