I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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