I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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