Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
