i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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