Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
