I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
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just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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