im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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