tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
we're so committed to being not committed
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
