i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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