Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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