While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
it was like eating out sand paper
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
