New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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