New invention idea: vibrating tampons
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
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