I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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