What a fucking waste of an outfit
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Acid is not a monday night drug
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
