So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
