plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
