You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
