My room smells like vodka and shame
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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