Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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