Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
