it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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