i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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