I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
