Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
