I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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