FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
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