I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
should my penis look like a turkey
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
