3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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