I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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