My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I'm just crazy horny about you
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Randomize
