90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
