Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
