theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
