Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
