Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
