I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Sober January is a disaster.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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