i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Randomize
