I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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