My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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