You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Randomize
